Ho' Ho' Ho' Your Boat

Ahhh, the elegant sport of rowing. Effortlessly gliding down a beautiful smooth river or across a calm lake. The Olympics; University of Michigan Women's Rowing Team; Oxford vs Cambridge...Pip pip, tally ho, good sport, smashing job lads! Classy classy stuff:





As competitive as it is at its top level though - it's also a soothing, bonding, recreational pursuit between pals, family members, and lovers:





But where did it all start? It was a key survival skill associated with warriors and explorers. Only the toughest were able to survive some of those treks. Vikings in longboats, Romans in triremes, Voyageurs in enormous canoes, buff shirtless Polynesian men in outrigger canoes...how cool is all that? If you're an Ocean Rescue Squad, then you're cool because you're channeling that old spirit:





These men were the opposite of metrosexuals. They were tough, arrogant, confident, savages who never have even thought of shaving a single hair on their bodies. No quarter was asked, and none was given. They'd just as soon bite your head off as look at you. In short, they were as close to vicious animals in boats as was humanly possible:





But hey, they still were family men. What if you were Voyageurs working and drinking in a timber camp and your sweeties were 300 miles away? If you've had a Maudite beer (brewed by Unibroue in Quebec), you'll know the answer. You make a pact with The Devil to fly home in canoes to make it home in time for Christmas. Watch who you bring though, since one renounced the pledge mid-flight, and they all plummeted to the ground:





But that's not fair, you say, that leaves out women because they weren't in the traditional warrior-explorer roles. But wait, look at what rowing does to any girl who does it. Besides all the good general healthiness of exercise, teamwork, goal-setting, confidence-building, etc - it's a miracle-working thing. This gal used to weigh over 600 pounds, went rowing once, and now she's a lithe Terminator-through-time lioness:

Before:


After:




And anyone can do it...your vessel doesn't have to be expensive or fancy - or even non-edible:





With all the seriousness of its background, classy competitiveness nowdays, or restful recreational purposes - there couldn't possibly be any innuendo in the terms they use, right? You be the judge. Here are real rowing terms:


Gimp Seat
Sculler
Stroke
Bow ball
Cox box

Empacher Slot
German rigged
Leather
Saxboard
Skeg

Spoon blade
Stretcher
Strokeside
Hit it
Check her down

Firm up
Give her ten
Hands in
Inside Grip
Lay Hold

Paddle
10 firm
Roll it
Swing it
One foot up & out

Waist, ready, up
Body Angle
Bury the blade
Inside hand
Jumping the slide

Lay-back
Leg Drive
Pause paddling
Recovery
Release

Shooting your slide
Stroke rate
Head race
Scratch Crew

...and finally:

Men's coxless






These people are just messed up.