Why Women Don't Like Star Trek

I'll just cut through all the crap about a man's hunter/explorer psyche vs a woman's nurturing/nesting psyche - it's because there's no hot men in it. Let's face it - what Star Trek eye candy can a hoochie-momma use to get her hot on?

• James Kirk -- A bit of a bad boy with all his philandering and scrapping. Close, but no cigar.


• William Riker -- Too sanitized and too moral. Not close.


• Jeffrey Archer -- Super-nice guy who finishes last. Oh boy.


• Jean-Luc Picard -- In the running because of his voice. If you'd nail an older Sean Connery, you'd nail Picard. But still, not enough arm-candy chick appeal.


• Benjamin Sisko -- Again with the voice and cool all-year tan, but not pretty enough.

So who does that leave? Who's pretty enough to draw in the panty-throwing crowd? Well, there was one...


Christopher Pike
(pic from memory-beta.wikia.com)

Played by pretty-boy Jeffrey Hunter, he was the original captain of the USS Enterprise. So, with a chance to appeal to a broad (hee hee) spectrum of people, what did they do? They destined Star Trek to be a sausage-fest by burning his face, sticking him in a box on wheels, and kicking him to the curb. Similar to what just happened to Conan O'Brien - except for less money and to a guy with more XX chromosomal screaming-thigh-sweats appeal. No wait, Pike actually now lives on Talos IV - a planet where he can, with help from the Talosians, appear young and handsome and mobile for the rest of his years. He's super-happy there! Yeah, and your dad *really* did take your dog to a farm where it can run free and chase rabbits and squirrels for the rest of its life.

The bonuses would've been:

• Star Trek Conventions would've been attended by hot, randy babes.


• You could've worn your Star Trek outfit to school without it being ripped (yes, like in Amok Time).


• Jeffrey Hunter died in 1969 - he would've left a sexy, James Dean-ish legacy for the Trekkies, Trekkers, Trekesses, and Trekettes.

So, 43 years of virginal male castranitude, and they finally put hotties in a Star Trek movie. And they ruined the name...just like you'd always suspected. No wait, they didn't - everyone liked it. And it made about as much money as the next three Star Trek movies combined. Hmmm, a lesson there perhaps?

But wait, you kind of liked the obscurity of being a major Trekker - you're glad that the series played out like it did and you wouldn't change a single thing. Sure, you say that now, but just think...43 years of women NOT saying "Star Track". Thank you, you stand corrected.

Toodles,
Paul